Dealing with BPD can get extremely difficult when dealing with small changes. My biggest issue with life is the constant changes you either have to go through or you choose to go through.

It’s hard to handle small changes because my mind gets extremely agitated when there are no comfortable solutions or if I cannot get settled and comfortable IMMEDIATELY.

I know it isn’t realistic, but the desperation in my mind confuses everything and causes everything to seem impossible.

Imagine your mind told you you were stuck on a thin beam that you have to walk on constantly (but you know and everyone else knows that the floor is not a thin beam, it’s actually just the ground.) but your mind makes it real and true.)

Wait… That sounds like OCD.

Different topic for different day okay?

Anywho, My partner and I had a hard talk yesterday due to being in this confusing age where everyone around us is either in their first years of success in their careers OR not doing anything different really.

They are big on trying new things and changing their world if they are unhappy, which is very honorable. I wish I could do as they do! But… with so many changes, it’s hard to develop steadiness which is needed for our future as maybe… parents?

We talked (or yelled, whatever it was) and it was a very bad ending to our talk. We are not divorcing, but we are definitely going to have to suffer in this challenging time frame.

As they figure out their future such as the job they hold, the job they WANT to have, if this will satisfy the need for change or something new, I have to sit and worry about the more current topics such as:

• Will we be able to afford our rent?
• Will we have money for basic neccesities?
• Will we be able to handle our pets?
• Will we be behind on bills?
• Will we end up regretting this change?
• Will we be able to handle the pressure of it all?

Y’know, just the more current topics of this new event in our lives. I tend to think and overthink about this all, and especially the “BAD what-if’s.” I am a HUGE PESSIMIST. I can own up to it and say that is one of my many flaws. BUT… at times of stress, we have to be prepared for those BAD WHAT-IF’S … right?

So here I am, writing to myself (or others, I still don’t know how many read these) and trying to remind myself as well that this IS ALL GOING TO FIT AND it will be okay.

I tend to hit this “SINK OR SWIM” mindset that is very challenging on my mental health. I sob and cry and fearfully talk to myself about how bad things will end up.

WELL, THIS IS THE NEXT DAY, AND WHAT DO I REALIZE?

• “Life is not what my mind wants to paint it as.”
• The whole “WOE IS ME OR US” show is absolutely uncalled for and I need to chill out on that.
• Regardless of the mess, my matrimony is the only thing that will never change.
• I need to stop jumping the gun when something gets uncomfortable or different (which I have gotten better at but I have to catch it sooner rather than … days later)
• We have done this once, we can do it again.

All logic runs out the door once I am in a place where I am afraid or worried. I tend to make things worse for myself by playing over and over this image of the failed lifestyle we could have when that isn’t real or even close to real. I do suffer and make things worse on myself and it’s as if there are these huge blinders over my eyes that take over. I do have to take time to myself to understand that I am being difficult and dramatic and impossible to deal with. (No one has said that to me, I just say it to myself to understand the severity of what my actions can do)

All of this to say: We are okay, things are okay, and we will keep moving on which is amazing!

I did cut my bangs, they are way too short for my liking but in a week, they should be the length I wanted them in!

Maybe next time, I can talk about the OCD thing? Not sure……..