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I feel like I am always thinking about stuff like this. For years, I always felt like I was lost? I never had the decency to be “my own person” and it was always so overwhelming.

I spent a lot of time either mimicking or copying others because it was the easiest thing to do. I could tell others liked my friends because they were really interesting but I was just making myself more and more similar to them.

When I became older it was much more obvious that I was very lost and insecure about who I was and what I did in the past to become someone I could never be. It was a hard time realizing that I spent most of my important years jumping off of others and being someone that I didn’t even like to begin with.

I turned maybe 20? maybe 21? and decided that I hated myself and wanted to start all over again. I went through SOOOO many changes and hated myself more and more. I decided to take tons of time to focus on the things I DO LIKE rather than forcing myself to like whatever everyone else likes

I knew I loved green a lot, so I decided that I would keep getting everything around me green. My home decor, my personal items, phones, home office decor, etc. My clothes are now all green, my hair is green, if my blood could be green, I would do whatever it took to make it green.

Green has always been my happy color. I loved it for years and I always stuck to it when choosing at item or preference. I feel more like myself than I have ever felt and it makes me feel good now but I do sense that there are flaws with it.

I know that I have this false sense of self that I pretend that I don’t notice but I know I do.

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Even though I have my own sense of style and likes and look the way I have always wanted, I know that I think I could be this important person where I do more than just post pictures on social media or be super cool and draw or make things for others to see.

I have always been that way, so I made this blog of sorts to pretend like people watch my stuff and read this and go “ooo” and “aaa” like if I am someone others want to perceive in some way. and I know it isn’t realistic but the way my mind works as someone that has borderline personality disorder is assuming and getting so crazy in the head that whatever I pretend is “real” about myself IS TRUE AND REAL.

I know that if I keep spending time with myself in some sorts, I will only live a life like this; so delusional that I have some sort of following that wants to read how crazy I am and how I interpret the world.

It also doesn’t help that I love to write constantly, so this itches a lot of parts of my brain that my regular days can’t scratch :)

(i’m also cutting my bangs later today just for funzies and if it looks ugly i’ll just pretend that it doesn’t)