I think for my entire life I had a feeling that there was something off about me? It was a very hard thing to navigate when I was younger as well.

Before I start rambling, maybe I need to explain this thing. I have borderline personality disorder.

“Oh my god, you’re insane! You’re like those psychopaths!”

No, I am just extremely scared of everything.

Borderline Personality Disorder in a nutshell is: I cannot regulate my emotions properly, I do whatever it takes to avoid pain and suffering because my fear controls me, I act before I speak, and I cannot let things go. I am also MOST AFRAID of being abandoned. Whether it is being abandoned by friends, family, simple peers: abandonment/rejection of any kind IS WHAT I WANT TO AVOID.

THIS IS A DISORDER CAUSED BY TRAUMA! YAY TRAUMA!

When I was growing up, deep down I always knew that I was abandoned. I sought out engagement that would make this feeling go away. I did whatever it took TO FEEL better.

I lied a ton, I over-exaggerated a lot, I blamed others, I burnt down bridges, I did what I had to do because I was in survival mode 24/7. I was not around family that enjoyed my presence. They did make it known that I was not enjoyed.

While in school, middle and high school, I did whatever it took to be liked or to be loved or to be cared for. I spent years romanticizing friendships, relationships, tiny acts of kindness, etc.

I spent my entire life feeling extreme emotions as well. I didn’t just feel anger, I felt a pit of fire in my brain. I didn’t just feel sadness, I felt absolute agony and despair. And I didn’t just feel happiness, I felt euphoria. I did whatever it took to prevent the sad and angry person of myself to come out, and I did EVERYTHING I could to feel validated and loved and happy.

As years went by, OF COURSE this got worse and worse, and by the time I turned 27, I had an absolutely massive manic episode that lasted 3 days.

(Insert very insane and bad and embarrassing manic episode explanation here)

I got help, finally. My therapist has helped me a lot with writing everything down before I act upon my fears and anger, I have developed strong coping skills, I have learned a lot about how I have acted in the past should not have happened.

Does this remove any responsibility for the shitty person I was? GOD NO.

Does this make sense as to why I did the awful things I did? yes.

As hard as it was, I realized that I did so much unto others that to this day I think about and regret and beat myself up for it. Does that excuse anything? No. But can I learn and just move forward? Yes, after apologizing and making things right, yes I can.

I now take like 5 pills a day to regulate myself, I do a ton of writing like this, I read more, I sleep more, I do a lot to help myself which is great, but this is a disorder we just “recover” from. It never goes away, it will always be this way, it just gets easier.

EDIT: THIS DISORDER DOES ALSO ALTER MY SENSE OF REALITY AT TIMES, hence this entire blog I am working on that I really am not doing anything but making look good or appealing when I know in fact this is for no one but myself. How many people I actually know will find this anyway?